Thursday night I went to a karaoke bar for a half hour to kill time before the midnight showing of Legion. I saw two people sing "Somewhere" from An American Tail. Then they sang Enter Sandman. Legion made less sense than that.
So I, like everyone in the world, saw the trailer for Legion on every movie that came out in the past three months. And I, like everyone, thought to myself, "Oh holy shit!" So when I say that I left the theatre without ever once yelling "YEAAAH!", understand that my heart broke a little bit that night.
I mean, look, the story is there. Noah's Ark-esque extermination of corrupt humanity, but this time via mace-toting battle angels? With room for bloody shoot-outs with deformed old people, children, and ice cream men? Look, for chrissakes this movie has Dennis Quaid AND Tyrese AND Charles S. Dutton. That's like our generation's Three Musketeers.
And yet, these elements of badassery often played second-fiddle to drawn-out, archetypal, ludicrously philosophical monologuing. I'll say this: one of my all-time favorite movies is Army of Darkness. I understand intentional cheese. I understand playing on cinematic stereotypes. I understand B-movies. But you know what a B-movie isn't? Boring. You know what a solid B-movie has? More than one character you like watching. You know what a B-movie wouldn't do to me? MAKE ME NOT ENJOY MY CHARLES S. DUTTON.
That being said, somehow a majority of the actors really sold one of the most laughably poor scripts I've heard this year. Tyrese was likeable. Dennis Quaid actually knew what movie he was in and played it OTT. I was even convinced that Paul Bettany could beat another grown man up.
But that doesn't make up for the fact that I was not entertained. You hurt my feelings, Legion, by not living up to your promises off ass-kickery. And I think you owe Charles S. Dutton an apology.
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